Tired, frustrated,Christian, sad,limbo,thankful,hopeful,lost...

So, here I go writing down frustrating things again. How can I be this unhappy?? I am a Christian living in America and able to have every comfort there is to have. I understand the sacrifice that God made for just me! I am a born again Christian and I barely feel God. I feel that I am just living in Limbo with my family. My family consists of a Father who died in 2003 and a mother who is in a nursing home. She can't walk or come home for awhile. I have an older sister who is busy with her own life and a brother who is just addicted to so much that he is just GONE. My kids are all in 4 different directions and I have strained relationships with all of them. I am at a loss of how I got here. I want to dig out of this hole and learn how to have a better quality of life for my mother and myself. I am going to lay down and pray until I fall asleep. I am going to continue to ask God for Grace and Mercy in my life. In one hand, I am frustrated and worn out and in the other hand, I am a child of God and am so thankful for that.

Graduation Weekend??

This weekend would have been the weekend that Gerrad would have graduated from high school. To add insult to injury, some people at church sent Gerrad graduation cards with money and I had to take it back to them and let them know that he would not be graduating. I wanted to lie and say something nice and kind, like "Gerrad has been very sick and he will have to finish school in the summer." But instead I find myself telling them the horrible truth of how he left home and quite school. In return, they feel sorry for me and I think that will be a comfort. You know what? It does not make me feel any better! I see all the posts on Facebook of graduations and parties and pictures and family time. I so want to have that life!! I know that I should just get past this and move forward because I cant change it. It is only keeping me miserable. This whole weekend has been difficult! Friday, I tried to go and talk to the nursing home about my mother. I wanted to let them know what I expected and what I wanted to see happen for her to get well. They made me feel like a child in the principle office! They all just kept saying that they could only do what she wanted and no more. In the meantime, her kidneys are getting worse and her heart is failing. She has to be put on more fluids. The cherry on the Sunday is that she is so broken out from the paper diapers they keep on her that her skin is cracking and bleeding!! She refuses to get up and use the potty chair and they do not make her!! I cried and got a terrible headache. I went home and straight to bed! I want to be positive, say something profound, move forward and be a strong christian, but I am so angry!!!!!!! My prayer this week is too rise above it all and just do what I can with Gods Grace and Mercy.

 

How did I become the mother that I am?

Mothers Day just came and went. I made sure that my mother knew that I loved her and appreciated her and that she knew I cared. My kids, on the other hand, did not acknowledge me at all on mothers day! I could lie and say that it's OK because I know they love me and they are all busy with their lives but I was hurt and sad that they made no effort. Why am I always in this situation with my kids? What does that say about me as a mother? I have two sets of kids. My older set is a girl and a boy. They are 24 and 23. They are children of the 80's who were very protected and very sheltered due too the Adam Walsh horror story! We kept our kids close and never let them go anywhere we thought they might be in any danger! I spanked my two oldest and made sure they knew I was boss!! They rebelled and tested every water more than once and now our relationship is very sick. The younger set is 19 and 14 and they are children of the 90"s and with them, I reached out for help. With the 19 year old, I had testing done for ADD,ADHD, and any other D that was out there. I had counselors, teachers, preachers, and anyone that would help me raise a child that would turn out well adjusted and able to have a good productive life! Our relationship does not exist at all. Now for the baby, he is 14. This child is the first teenager I have been able to enjoy a little bit. He does fairly well in school and I have not had him tested for anything! He plays sports and does well at that. All in all,I have been having a good year with him. This year things have kind of taken a turn for the worse. He is being influenced by his older siblings. His father,who is my ex,is too busy being a friend and not a FATHER! His friends have been taking him down some bad roads,too. am at a loss. Now I am having to watch him like a hawk and keep him from the bad people!! Or relationship is strained as well . How did I become the mother I am? I pray for my kids everyday and sometimes I wonder if God is trying to tell me something. Maybe he is saying, "you are not getting it!" I have to be doing something wrong!! Right? What? HELP!! I am at a loss so much of the time.

Trying!

Well, this is my first week of just Jeremy and I and so far it has been rocky! Jeremy has a bad habit of not answering his phone or getting the trash to the road! We make a cranky pair and I just find myself always trying to check on mom. I am feeling better about her getting better and getting the help she needs each day to get stronger. My days off are filled with getting the little things mom wants and taking them to her and keeping up with the mail and the laundry. Grace and Grant are just out there and Gerrad is now realizing how hard life is and just wants some sympathy. I need him to just flounder for a little bit. I need some time apart from him. I am his mother and I have no sympathy!!! I pray that I can get to a healthier place with him. I pray for all my kids each day. I'm trying. That's all I have for now.

Lonely!!!

How can I be lonely??? I have been waiting for some peace and quiet a long time!! I guess I just never expected to get it this way. My mom has been in the hospital for almost two weeks and we have been through so many ups and downs since then. She has heart damage from sleep Apnea. I did not know this causes heart and kidney failure. As the days went by, my sister and I had to find a place for her to go and get rehabilitated. AKA Nursing home!!! We went looking for one of which there are no good places!!! Everyone I entered gave me a wave of despair and fear for leaving my mother alone with strangers who would not love her like me! Who would not accept her like me!! Who would not care for her like me!!! It was very hard and I found myself crying and praying and hoping all day that I did not have to put her in one of these places!! I wanted to bring her home!!! I still want to bring her home!!! In the end, she picked a place. We moved to the second phase of getting her moved and getting used to the idea of her not coming home for 100 days!!! In that same week, my oldest child Grace moved out adding insult to injury!! On the weekend I am all alone, Jeremy, my youngest, goes to see his dad. So, here I am on a stormy Saturday night home alone and missing my mother so much. I also know that my daughter will not come in and make me laugh :( Am I a free bird? Am I taking care of just Nancy for awhile? Am I reading a good book and taking a long hot bath? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't know how to be alone! Just pray for me and I will pray for you. I am counting down the days for my mom to come home!!!