A wrap up of some things in 2011

Jeremy my 15 year old had his first season of football with Bob Jone Highschool Mr. number 72! and they were undefeated!!!! We enjoy his games so much and never miss one. Our Family is football crazy! Our Saturdays are spent watching football and our Mondays are spent going to his games! I cook up a bunch of hotdogs wrap them in foil which we call "Hotdog Mondays"and we head out to watch the Bob Jones Patriots!!

2011 CHRISTMAS LETTER

Just Us 2011 Well, another year has come and gone and we are still hanging in there. 2011 was a year of some really hard times and a year of reconnecting. Let's start out with mother who turned 79 this August. She is still holding on and we are just taking it a day at a time. She no longer attempts to walk and is completely bed ridden. She will not be sending any cards this year or writing anymore. I will try to answer as many of her cards as I can. Mom's days are filled with us just trying to make her comfortable in her bed. She watches very little TV anymore and she does not get on the phone much either. She loves her tomato onion salads, Pepsi-just sips, her Oreo cookies-maybe just one, and chicken wraps or any wraps for that matter. If it's in a wrap she likes it. We had a couple of visits to the hospital; one in August for her to get some blood that she loses little by little from a polyp that was removed in her colon around 4 years ago. The other time was in April when we had the bad tornadoes and we had no power to run her oxygen. Mom and I have long talks about what is going on in her life and she knows that it is at the end stages but for how long we don't know. Taking care of a parent and making all the decisions can just be overwhelming. Mom has changed so much this year and slowly is becoming a different person, almost child like. Now our care has changed once again. My son Jared and I do the main care for my mom and just pray that we can hang in there and follow this to the end. This is a very hard job and for caregivers it is just unimaginable what you go through. As for me I am 47 this year and still working full time and still spoiling my little Dolly Bell(the dog, but don't tell her). She is 7 this year and loves me unconditionally. She is always glad to see me at the end of a hard work day as I am to see her. In January of this year, my children's granny began her final days with cancer. After long talks with my ex-husband and lots of prayer, I made the decision to bring her to our home to spend her final days surrounded by her grandkids and family. Steve's sister, Patti, and her husband spent many weekends with us getting her settled and feeling at home along with Steve staying around the clock to help. She was able to go off almost all her meds and just be awake for awhile so she could visit with church friends, family and even make phone calls to old friends. Everyone was able to tell her how much they loved her and what she meant to them and how she impacted their lives and on March 8th, 2011, she went home to be with the Lord. My love for Dorothy comes from all the years that she loved my children and was so good to them. There are many things that I loved about Dorothy, too many to mention, but two that I love to share are that she gave me my love for Dove soap! I would watch her wash her hands at the kitchen sink while she was cooking and she would always use Dove soap and it would smell sooo good and look so creamy and wonderful that I just had to start using it and have now for over 25 years! I also took away from Dorothy her wonderful vegetable soup that I still fix to this day and fixed for her while she was in my home. The kids and I are surrounded by many of her things and we love talking about her and all the wonderful memories we have of her. Steve stayed with us after her death and we have just been co-parenting our kids together and just being good friends. Steve is 54 this year and still drives the bus for the city. He put in a garden this summer and we did a lot of grilling out. His sister from Kentucky comes for visits which I love! The family in Alabama comes for lots of visits too. Most of it is good, but as you know some is DRAMA! My sister and brother are here in Alabama and my sister comes for short little visits to see my mom. My brother rarely comes at all. Melodie is 51 this year and my brother is 48. Grace Ann is 25 this year and works full time at First Baptist church as a Pre-k teacher. She is in school at Calhoun Community college and will graduate this spring with an Associate Degree in Science. She wants to teach music. She is singing in the Living Christmas Tree this year and we are all so proud! Grant is 24 this year and he has a new job at Builders Warehouse and a new apartment in Huntsville. He loves to spend his days playing baseball with his pals, fishing, hunting and doing little side jobs for extra money. He works on a lot of cars. He also did a lot of work helping search and rescue during the tornado time this April. Jared who is 20 this year, is not working and is just kind of in limbo helping me with mom. This job in itself is soo hard! He did a fantastic job of also helping me with his granny with all her meals, baths, meds, sugar checks and all! I wonder where he gets that from??? Jeremy is 15 this year and eager to get that permit. We will have to do that on Christmas Break! Jeremy is in the 9Th grade this year. He played his freshman year of football for Bob Jone High School and they were undefeated!! Go Patriots!! Steve and I did not miss a single game! He is an A-B student and loves to hunt and fish. In October, our sweet dog, Susie, who was 13, passed away. She and Jeremy were very close. I called him home from school and the two of us took her to the vet together and we stayed with her to the very end. We held her and kissed her and told her how special she was and what joy she brought to our lives and then we let her go. That was a sad day:( So, this year has had some sad moments and it has also had some good ones. We are blessed although some days we don't show it. Some days we don't feel it but we are. God is good and I would not take on any years without Him and his love for me and my family. I hope that this letter finds all of you hanging in there as well and doing what you can to make it. We are praying for all of you and I really need you to be praying for all of us. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all! The Bradford/Thomas family

September and October (Misery Mash!)

MISERY MASH

Well, lets talk about September. In September when I was a child, it used to be so much fun! We went to the fair and I always had a sleep over birthday party. My mom would make homemade pizza or sloppy joes and I always got an AWESOME cake from Alexandro's bakery. My mom and dad always made it great! As an adult, I have spent most of my birthdays at work and this year was no different! The day started off sad because Steve and his sister had headed out for Georgia and I felt very alone. I also have been very sick with the creeping crud since the 1st of September and have been missing work (which makes me very uncomfortable). The doctor told me not to go back to work until Monday but I had to go back NOW! September 9th was my 47th birthday and it felt like it took me 47 hours to get up and get ready. I felt soooo bad and when I got to work it was just torture!!!! I was crying and feeling very sorry for myself walking to the parking garage that night. To my surprise, I looked up and saw tons of balloons tied to my car and my sweet Tracey coming down the ramp to meet me!!! Thank you, Tracey, for saving my Birthday! Later in the week, Steve and his sisiter came back and they bought me an awesome Auburn cake and lots of presents! I love them! As September was coming to an end, everyone in the house ended up getting sick including Mom. We all had to be on antibiotics and we all felt horrible! October came and we lost our sweet Susie, our saserfrase girl. She was 13 years old and her heart was just worn out. She died on October 17, 2011. Jeremy and I took her to the vet and they told us that she just would not make it. I held her in my arms as she slipped away from this world. I felt a piece of my heart break as she died. I loved her so much and I made sure she knew it while I held her at the vet's office before she died. I talked to her and told her what a wonderful dog she was and how much joy and love she brought to our family. I told her that I was going to miss her sooo badly and I know she knew it because she would just look at me with those big black eyes as if she understood what I was saying to her. It was a sad day for us all and a little piece of our family is missing. I got the house ready for Halloween and put out some Mums and pumpkins and scarecrows. Life goes on. I am still sick with a cough and a sore throat but I am hoping things get better! Work is a challenge and I spend a lot of time planning my retirement :) I guess that is torture, too, since I probably won't retire for another 10 years or so. September and October Misery Mash!

 

Laundry!

Why is it that laundry seems to never end and no matter how many times you wash a load, another one is ready???? I go through my house everyday that I am off and I collect all the laundry. I collect from everywhere. The hampers, the floors of bedrooms, and the garage which is always full of gross muddy socks from the fishing hole or the ball field or a boat trip. Why is it that boys decide when they get to the fishing hole, football field or the boat tripm, they say to themselves, "lets take our shoes off and just romp around in our socks!!!!" I make sure I get everything! Dirty rugs, more socks from the back porch and so on. I start my first load at about 9am, sometimes 10Am. This begins my laundry extravaganza.. As the day keeps going and going, I keep washing and drying and folding. It just multiplies!!! By 4pm, I think I have gotten it licked and then the second wave hits. People are coming home and bringing in swim suites and towels and of course more dirty socks!! Grace finally decides to unload her car of a weeks worth of sleepovers with her friends. Susie decides to pee on the last clean rug left and someone is bringing me a blanket because they spilt their drink or food or goobers all over it!!! And of course mom gets changed a million times a day! Sheets and blankets and socks Oh my! Now it is going on 7pm and I am putting the last loads away and turning off the light to the washroom. As I walk down the hall to my room, I notice in the boys bathroom that the hamper is full. As I hit my doorway, there is a trail of clothes that Grace Ann has left from the bed to the bathroom and our hamper is full!!! Cheeeeze and don't worry. It will be waiting for me on my next day off.

A metaphor from a dear friend

I can see myself standing at the end of this pier and just watching the sunset go down. I hear nothing but the water splashing against the pillars. I have some anxiety issues and I had a dear friend share with me a story that her mother shared with her. Lay in your bed and just imagine a big white fresh clean sheet rising up from under you. As it rises, it takes all your worries, fears, anxiousness, and pain with it and blows it away into the sky. Whoosh! Gone. Ahhhh! Just feels fresh and good. I love that metaphor and I can see me holding that sheet at the end of this pier and just letting it go! Thank you, Jody Wofford! I love you so much!

I have been gone a long time

I have been gone a long time! I am very lazy about blogging and sometimes I feel as though what I have to say most of the time is so serious! I can be funny really. Well, my life changed once again and I found myself caring for my Ex- mother-in-law while she was dying with cancer. Sometimes you have to look at the big picture in life. My mother-in-law, Dorothy Bradford, showed me love and loved my children. She deserved to die with dignity and love all around her. She left me with some things I will always love. She is the reason that I LOVE Dove soap! She always kept a pink bar of dove soap at the kitchen sink and while she cooked she would always wash her hands with that soap. It looked so creamy and wonderful and smelled incredible! I only use Dove soap to this day :) She made this wonderful hamburger vegetable soup and I still make it to this very day. Every time I make it, I think of her. I even made it in her final days with us. She was my children's granny and to bring her here was out of love and respect. I wanted to show my children that no matter what the circumstances, do what is right. Dorothy passed away in March and we were right here with her to the very end. Steve just stayed. We have been divorced 9 years now, but for some reason we are just hanging out together. Right now it just feels right. We are good friends and the kids enjoy having him around. And yes, he is not married anymore. He and his wife divorced in December.

A New year

It has been months since I have blogged and I am just worn out and tired of it all. Today is gloomy and sad. I am a mother and a daughter that is just used up and spit out. But see here is the thing...I am a Christian and I know how to rely on God and go to him in prayer. I know how to stay positive and be strong and move forward, hold it together and not just crumble into a million pieces! I want to fall down, cry and scream sometimes and tell God I am feeling abused. I want to tell him that my lessons in the Valley are so upsetting and so tiring and so painful and I want a break!!!! I want to just have some peace of mind and some down time from all the troubles. I know that is just being human but I feel guilty for feeling that way because I am a Christian and I need to get it together!!!! The smile most days is fake, but the appreciation for my life and blessing is NOT. Can you be so sad that you want to fall apart, but also know how lucky you are to be a child of God and to be free???? I feel that way all the time!!!

 

How in the World did I get here???

I am working on my bills once again this weekend. I also take care of mom's bills as well. I can't seem to make ends meet!! I can't pay the bills!! I am always short and every month I get deeper in debt! I am not a shopper. I have no credit cards. I just have $500 utility bills! Oh my kingdom for a money tree! I am eventually going to have to figure out a plan. My daughter Grace has been a lifesaver and has given me money anytime I have needed it. Her job is M/W so there is only so much she can give. I know that I am writing about this on my blog, but I also know as a Christian that God is good and he will help me to figure out what it is that I am suppose to do. I am human. I worry. I get nervous. I am a woman! So there it is. Pray for me and I will be praying for all of you!

Football Season has started and my number 72, Mr. Jeremy Bradford, is kicking butt and taking names!!! He is such a good football player and we sooo enjoy his games. I live for Thursday nights!!! Yes, I also love Saturday SEC but my first love is to just watch my boy play football!! Liberty Lions have a great team and we are TICK, TICK, TICK BOOM! DYNAMITE!!! I love the boys of fall! Keep up the good work, Jeremy! You make me so proud!! I love you!!!

Oh How I love movies!

Movies and Television are a way of escape for me. They are a place to run away to when real life just becomes to much...I have done this so many times in my life too many to count. They are a soft place to land at the end of a bad day,they are happy ever after, and love always wins!! I love MOVIES! When I was a little girl, I could sit for hours and listen to all my Disney records and just escape into a fantasy world. And so I did! I would become the victim in Emergancy with John Cage and become Laura in Little House on the Prairie! Every year we could not wait for the Wizard of Oz to come on. We would all sit around the television and pick a character that we thought we were the most like. We also liked The Sound of Music, The Ten Comandments, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.....the list could go on forever! What a great escape! When I was in middle school, and deeply in love with John Travolta (I still am!), Grease was the biggest movie at that time and I went to see it twice! That was a lot back then since we really didn't have the money. When I was a freshman in high school, I enjoyed Urban Cowboy! That was truly the best part of 1979 ever!! When I was going through my divorce, Bridget Jones Diary carried me through many lonely nights. Now don't get me wrong, I am a Christian and I rely heavily on prayer and going to God in a time of trouble..... But you know what? He understands my love of MOVIES most of all!! When I am up late tending to mom and she is feeling down or hurting all we have to do is put in Lilies of the Fields with Sydney Portea and we are lost in time! The old movies are some of the best! When my boys are at home and I know their lives are a mess and they need comfort all I have to say is" lets watch the Incredibles!" For a moment in time, they are all five and sitting on the couch with me, laughing and loving each other. When my daughter is having boy trouble feeling bad and wants to come over, we just curl up on the couch and watch Pride and Prejudice and waiting for Mr. Darcey to walk through that field at sunrise and wisks us up into his arms and rescue us from saddness and being lonely ohhh Don't you just love that Mr. Darcey!! When I want to just be left alone all by myself, I will watch You've got Mail, Enchanted, The Wedding Planner, The Trouble with Angels, Runaway Bride, or Julie and Julia! So whatever part of my life that I look back on, I can relate it to a good movie or television show that just made life better.

Catching up!

It has almost been a month since I have blogged. On June 4th, mother got sick at the nursing home and we had to put her back in the hospital. Her heart failure has become worse and her kidneys stopped working for almost 24 hours! She had a bad infection in her bladder, a fever, and trouble breathing. She was in MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit) for several days. We were only able to see her for 20 min at a time, 4 times a day. We camped out in the ICU waiting area and day after day just prayed and hoped for the best. She did finally come to the floor. That is when I went to the nursing home to collect all her things and take them home because that is where we will be bringing her after she gets well. We contacted Medicare and got all the equipment delivered to the house in order for us to take care of her. Just when we thought she was coming home, she began to cough up blood and had to go back to ICU. She only stayed two days this time and they chalked it up to her Coumadin being out of whack. She had to go back to the floor where she started to get Stasis Dermatitis. That is a inflammation in her legs from the heart failure and fluid retention. Back on more antibiotics! The whole hospital thing was exhausting!! Now she is home and I know that things will get better.

 

I have had some Joy the past couple of days

!Today is Memorial Day and I have been spending Sunday and today with my mother. I also have had Jeremy home on the weekends. It has been nice to have some family to spend time with. We have been cooking and taking things to mom and getting her happy and more active. I said a special pray for my mother that God would send her some joy. I just cried and went on to work. It was a Saturday and when I got off work, I called my mother to see how her day had been. The first thing out of her mouth was "God sent me some Joy today!" Yes, you heard me right! God sent my momma some JOY!! My sweet precious sunday school teacher, Ken Crain, went to see my mother and sang and played his guitar for her . I had to pull off the side of the road and just PRAISE GOD with all my heart <3. God is so good!!! I hope that my mother will continue to get stronger and do well so that she can come home. I am very thankful to all our troops and the work they do to keep us free! And very thankful for Ken Crain who is a special man of God!

Tired, frustrated,Christian, sad,limbo,thankful,hopeful,lost...

So, here I go writing down frustrating things again. How can I be this unhappy?? I am a Christian living in America and able to have every comfort there is to have. I understand the sacrifice that God made for just me! I am a born again Christian and I barely feel God. I feel that I am just living in Limbo with my family. My family consists of a Father who died in 2003 and a mother who is in a nursing home. She can't walk or come home for awhile. I have an older sister who is busy with her own life and a brother who is just addicted to so much that he is just GONE. My kids are all in 4 different directions and I have strained relationships with all of them. I am at a loss of how I got here. I want to dig out of this hole and learn how to have a better quality of life for my mother and myself. I am going to lay down and pray until I fall asleep. I am going to continue to ask God for Grace and Mercy in my life. In one hand, I am frustrated and worn out and in the other hand, I am a child of God and am so thankful for that.

Graduation Weekend??

This weekend would have been the weekend that Gerrad would have graduated from high school. To add insult to injury, some people at church sent Gerrad graduation cards with money and I had to take it back to them and let them know that he would not be graduating. I wanted to lie and say something nice and kind, like "Gerrad has been very sick and he will have to finish school in the summer." But instead I find myself telling them the horrible truth of how he left home and quite school. In return, they feel sorry for me and I think that will be a comfort. You know what? It does not make me feel any better! I see all the posts on Facebook of graduations and parties and pictures and family time. I so want to have that life!! I know that I should just get past this and move forward because I cant change it. It is only keeping me miserable. This whole weekend has been difficult! Friday, I tried to go and talk to the nursing home about my mother. I wanted to let them know what I expected and what I wanted to see happen for her to get well. They made me feel like a child in the principle office! They all just kept saying that they could only do what she wanted and no more. In the meantime, her kidneys are getting worse and her heart is failing. She has to be put on more fluids. The cherry on the Sunday is that she is so broken out from the paper diapers they keep on her that her skin is cracking and bleeding!! She refuses to get up and use the potty chair and they do not make her!! I cried and got a terrible headache. I went home and straight to bed! I want to be positive, say something profound, move forward and be a strong christian, but I am so angry!!!!!!! My prayer this week is too rise above it all and just do what I can with Gods Grace and Mercy.

 

How did I become the mother that I am?

Mothers Day just came and went. I made sure that my mother knew that I loved her and appreciated her and that she knew I cared. My kids, on the other hand, did not acknowledge me at all on mothers day! I could lie and say that it's OK because I know they love me and they are all busy with their lives but I was hurt and sad that they made no effort. Why am I always in this situation with my kids? What does that say about me as a mother? I have two sets of kids. My older set is a girl and a boy. They are 24 and 23. They are children of the 80's who were very protected and very sheltered due too the Adam Walsh horror story! We kept our kids close and never let them go anywhere we thought they might be in any danger! I spanked my two oldest and made sure they knew I was boss!! They rebelled and tested every water more than once and now our relationship is very sick. The younger set is 19 and 14 and they are children of the 90"s and with them, I reached out for help. With the 19 year old, I had testing done for ADD,ADHD, and any other D that was out there. I had counselors, teachers, preachers, and anyone that would help me raise a child that would turn out well adjusted and able to have a good productive life! Our relationship does not exist at all. Now for the baby, he is 14. This child is the first teenager I have been able to enjoy a little bit. He does fairly well in school and I have not had him tested for anything! He plays sports and does well at that. All in all,I have been having a good year with him. This year things have kind of taken a turn for the worse. He is being influenced by his older siblings. His father,who is my ex,is too busy being a friend and not a FATHER! His friends have been taking him down some bad roads,too. am at a loss. Now I am having to watch him like a hawk and keep him from the bad people!! Or relationship is strained as well . How did I become the mother I am? I pray for my kids everyday and sometimes I wonder if God is trying to tell me something. Maybe he is saying, "you are not getting it!" I have to be doing something wrong!! Right? What? HELP!! I am at a loss so much of the time.

Trying!

Well, this is my first week of just Jeremy and I and so far it has been rocky! Jeremy has a bad habit of not answering his phone or getting the trash to the road! We make a cranky pair and I just find myself always trying to check on mom. I am feeling better about her getting better and getting the help she needs each day to get stronger. My days off are filled with getting the little things mom wants and taking them to her and keeping up with the mail and the laundry. Grace and Grant are just out there and Gerrad is now realizing how hard life is and just wants some sympathy. I need him to just flounder for a little bit. I need some time apart from him. I am his mother and I have no sympathy!!! I pray that I can get to a healthier place with him. I pray for all my kids each day. I'm trying. That's all I have for now.

Lonely!!!

How can I be lonely??? I have been waiting for some peace and quiet a long time!! I guess I just never expected to get it this way. My mom has been in the hospital for almost two weeks and we have been through so many ups and downs since then. She has heart damage from sleep Apnea. I did not know this causes heart and kidney failure. As the days went by, my sister and I had to find a place for her to go and get rehabilitated. AKA Nursing home!!! We went looking for one of which there are no good places!!! Everyone I entered gave me a wave of despair and fear for leaving my mother alone with strangers who would not love her like me! Who would not accept her like me!! Who would not care for her like me!!! It was very hard and I found myself crying and praying and hoping all day that I did not have to put her in one of these places!! I wanted to bring her home!!! I still want to bring her home!!! In the end, she picked a place. We moved to the second phase of getting her moved and getting used to the idea of her not coming home for 100 days!!! In that same week, my oldest child Grace moved out adding insult to injury!! On the weekend I am all alone, Jeremy, my youngest, goes to see his dad. So, here I am on a stormy Saturday night home alone and missing my mother so much. I also know that my daughter will not come in and make me laugh :( Am I a free bird? Am I taking care of just Nancy for awhile? Am I reading a good book and taking a long hot bath? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't know how to be alone! Just pray for me and I will pray for you. I am counting down the days for my mom to come home!!!

 

So Much!!

I want to talk about so much!! I don't know where to begin. My mom is in the hospital and I have a sinking feeling that she wants to just give up. I don't know what to do with that. I have wonderful friends who want to help but you can only do so much. Prayer is a huge comfort and words of encouragement help as well. But at the end of the day when it is just you lying in the dark and all around you things have come to a screeching halt, you are scared, alone, and left wondering. My God is an awesome God and he is my soft place to land so many times. Sometimes I can barely feel him at all. Can a Christian even say that? I love God and I am at a loss!

Making a Blog!!

Well, getting this blog started was a pain in the butt!!! I am still not happy with it, but oh well. All I can say is I am tired and worn out and I don't want to work on this blog anymore tonight! I hope this gets better. I am sure it will. When you read my blog, whoever you are out there, just know that I am a horrible speller and I am not a grammar girl!!